ErinShayna;;

I started over.

My other tumblr is full of depressing things from my past, so I want to start fresh.

:)

The things I would tell you…

I have never been this physically attracted to someone.

I would tell you everything, if you didn’t already think I am crazy.
I wish you could erase the parts of your life where you really weren’t being yourself. If I could, I would go back to when you first talked to me, and redo everything so that maybe, just maybe, you would consider me an option.

My eyes have been opened.

In Communications class today I learned something very important when seeking happiness; You have to figure out who you really are. All your life you are told who to be by the people who influence you, like parents, teachers, peers, friends, even strangers. If you never take the time to be honest with yourself and truly find who you are, you will not be happy. You will keep trying to be what everyone wants you to be, and you will fail. You will realize that you are failing, and as a result you will never be happy with yourself. So, I have decided to sit down and think about what makes me me. It will take time, but I’m willing to do it :)

What do I really want.

A lot of things, really.

I’ve been trying to figure out what I want in a significant other, but every time I meet someone new it changes. Whatever I thought I wanted originally turns out to not be true. I find myself wanting new things, things I never would have thought to look for in another human being.

A lot of girls wonder the same thing; why am I attracted to guys who are assholes?
Well, I wonder the same thing, and I finally figured it out for me. I like confidence, border-line arrogance. I find it a turn on. I also have low self esteem, which naturally makes me settle for people that I consider “good enough”, because I feel that anyone better than them is too good for me, like I am undeserving.

I am done with that.

The most recent guy I had any feelings for is an arrogant prick. At first, quite a turn on. Until I realized that he does think he’s better than me. Too good for me, actually. He barely knows me, and yet assumes I am not worthy of dating him. Are you kidding me? Tool.

Nightmares

You keep me up at night.
You wouldn’t know,
But you keep me awake at night.

Once you close your eyes,
I swear your spirit leaves you.
It stands at my bedside,
And waits for my open eyes
To look in that direction,
To start this damn infection.

You keep me up at night.
You wouldn’t know,
But you keep me awake at night.

Once I’ve seen you there,
I swear your spirit never leaves me.
It watches me toss and turn,
And waits for my face to burn,
From all this building tension,
From all this damn attention.

You keep me up at night.
You wouldn’t know,
But you keep me awake at night.

And You Call Yourself A Human Being

You think you ruined my life?
You think you really broke me down?
You’re so full of yourself.
How is there room for anyone else
In that hole in your chest
That breeds nothing but lust?

You think you got me,
But you’ve got me all wrong.

You think you’re stuck in my head?
You think you’re all that’s on my mind?
You’re so full of yourself.
How is there room for anything else
In that space above your neck
That spills nothing but lies?

You think you got me,
But you’ve got me all wrong.
I won’t stand here and let you win.

You are nothing but a bitter soul,
A bad taste you can’t shake.
Nothing but a coward.
Hiding from your past mistakes.
You are nothing but a waste of time.
A lesson learned the hard way.
Nothing but a mistake.
Here now, gone the next day.
Living a lie day to day.
You know, you’re nothing special anyway.

Written for you, Dellon Myette. Congratulations on becoming the second worst person I’ve ever met in my life. Actually, you jump right to first, because at least the other person had the decency to admitt they were wrong, and apologize to me.

People suck.

The worst part isn’t that you hurt me so many times, it’s that you don’t care that you did. I would feel better if you showed some freakin compassion instead of always being a sarcastic asshole. It’s pretty bad when I don’t even feel good about walking away from you because when I told you we’re done you said “I don’t give a shit.” It just made me feel worse. Thank you for nothing.

I don’t believe in fairytales, dear.
Love isn’t magical like a storybook.
There are ups and down, mostly downs.
But oh, how we live for the ups.
Oh, how we live for the ups.

I’m not going to sit here and say it’s not true.

Yeah, I’ve been changing. Maybe I’m not as nice, or maybe I’ve just been hurt one too many times. I’m not as forgiving. Instead of giving chances, I’m giving up. Because really, who deserves a second chance? Or in this case a third, fourth, and fifth chance? No one who needs that many chances is worth giving them to. If you cared so much, you wouldn’t have even messed it up the first time.

So, I’m done. It feels so good to not miss you, to not want you. It feels good to have self respect, and to know when it’s right to walk away, before it’s too late.